Autumn days

For those of you who know me...really know me, know that this year has been a doozie for me. I've been this person who keeps everything all nice and bottled up. Then after many years of pushing my feelings down into the dark abyss that is my psyche..Bang! Pow! Chaos! emotional Armageddon! Panic! Anxiety! Well, I think you get the idea. The only time I really felt like my true self was the year after my step dad died. I hardly remember the year that he died. I spent a lot of time out of body. But it was the first time I felt my heart break...that I can really remember. After the tears and the self pity subsided...anger set in. The unfairness of it all. Yadda Yadda. I got on a plane and my world changed. I felt this sense of freedom I had never experienced before. I felt strong, empowered, bold, mysterious, and happy. Really amazing considering a few months earlier I was almost convinced they were going to drag me away (drooling) to the funny farm! I learned from first hand experience to be truthful and authentic with people. I flourished. Most of the time I wasn't totally conscious of what was transpiring...but then I would journal and I would ask myself these questions...why am I here? What am I learning? Stuff of this nature. I liked this new, brave me. She was looking pretty good. She was feeling pretty good. Then I came home. Slowly over time "old" me started to re-emerge. Then Bang! Pow! emotional Armageddon! Here we go again. How many times do I have to run into that same damn brick wall!!! What the hell is wrong with me? Well...what is it? Fear. Aha! Fear...fear of appearing a fool? fear of ridicule? fear of failure?..very popular one indeed. Fear of success? Shall I continue? No? So what do I do now?
Well, I pick myself up and dust myself off and start ovah. I have been reminded a few times that I am a beginner. There are a lot of things I don't know. This is exciting and scary. But now that I am a parent it seems all the more....important. I'm a teacher whether I want to be or not. My kids are going to take my lead...at least for a little while. This seems like such an awesome responsibility! I realise that so many people parent unconsciously. I try to be a mindful parent. I do struggle with trying to be a perfect parent...but, I'm learning to let that go. For me this blog has been a lot about reflection. Also, I think it's about emptying the crap that runs around like a sugared up monkey in my head. So everyday I face the little challanges of life..like everyone else..and I say " Bring it!"
That's what life is all about...right?