Link to my youtube journal

http://youtu.be/0rjOgNwCDFs
Lets see if this works

overwhelmed with emotion

So much has been going on! My dear friend is fighting for her life. Stage 4 cancer. Two different kinds. There is also a possibility of two other cancers in different areas of her body(brain and liver).  I spoke with her daughter the other day and she shared with me all the possibilities that could happen as well as the treatment options, I had to stop and just listen. My inner voice was protesting...This woman also is a diabetic. She eats a lot of sugar free sweets. All I kept thinking was.. those products have all kinds of artificial flavorings and sweeteners that have been known to cause cancer. I want to ask about alternative therapies, but I don't know what kind of insurance they have( if any) and I know they don't have very much money. I guess I also don't know if its my place to say. I don't want to overwhelm her daughters with ..have you looked into acupuncture, ayurvedic healing,making sure she eats fresh non processed foods..etc. Then there is this other part of me that says..let her eat whatever she wants, getting the pleasures regardless of the consequences. Well, we all know the consequences. When I've talked to my "mom" she seems upbeat and raring to go! But, I know it's because she feels supported. She has had an outpouring of love and support from family and friends that I know she hadn't heard from on a regular basis in a very long time. Myself included. So part of the feeling I get from her..is that she is on a quest or adventure. And now, she doesn't feel like she is alone on this adventure. I think she was very lonely before all this. I feel so sad for her and her daughters. I can't imagine how I would handle the news that my mother was terminal. I would probably make it my mission in life to find healers, shamen, gurus, etc. Though, I wouldn't hesitate to give her my 2 cents on what I think she should do..even though I don't like to should on people..its my momma were talking about and I'm not perfect. This event has make me look closer at my health and how I care for my body. I have struggled with going through menopause early, anxiety, weight gain, insomnia, hot flashes and night sweats, oh my! I have adopted an ayurvedic diet which has helped a lot. Trying to get more regular with a meditation practice. My eldest son has experienced some anxiety and I told him we are going to start meditating together on the weekend. He seemed very open to it. I figure can't start too early. We live in very stressful times and even at school the pressures to perform is really high. Its hard not to compare yourself to other children. I am constantly telling them that everyone learns in their own way. We are not cookie cutter kids that are all the same. We all have different gifts and at the end of the day all that matters is that they are loved and supported. I tell them all the time that mom and dad has their backs. We will stand up for them when they feel that they can't on their own. Oh, I have had a horrible cough(kids too) for weeks. I coughed so hard I pull a pectoral muscle and its hurts like a mofo. When I breathe,cough,sneeze, and pretty much every time I reach out with my right arm. Yay me! Ok, that was my little pity party. Well, the sun is out. Its a beautiful day and I'm going to meet a girlfriend in a little while to get our toesies done. Happy Friday! xoxo

More musings on life

Good Morning. So many things going on right now. Just trying to wrap my head and heart around it all. My "mom" is back at home with her daughter and she starts chemo today. My prayer is that she responds well to it. Can anyone really respond well to chemo? But, I hope the cancer shrinks a bit and this will give her more time with her loved ones. My heart goes out to her daughters, one who is struggling with the day to day aspects of this and the other who feels helpless and a bit removed. There is so much unknown when it comes to illness. How long? Is there suffering?pain? the waiting to hear..the fear. For me, I am just witnessing what comes up. Just trying to be really honest with myself. Even when its uncomfortable. I spoke about guilt. But after speaking with my "mom" I don't much anymore. What could I have done to make her life different? NOTHING. She knows I love her and she accepts me and loves me back. That's all that matters. LOVE. So like Forrest Gump says "thats all I have to say about that.". I am trying to get my health in order. I want to drop a few pounds before my surgery. I have finally made a date to do my tummy tuck. I am tired of this tummy flap I have and no amount of exercising is going to make the skin tighter. So, again I am having all kinds of feelings around this. I had some guilt that I was taking money away from my kids/family. Andrew reassured me that we saved for this and we will be ok and that I deserve to have a waistline again!
Hear!Hear! A waistline..ahhh. I want to enjoy clothes shopping again. I want to throw out all the xl's and maternity wear that I still have! Yes folks, maternity. My youngest is going to be 7 on Saturday. Throw away the maternity clothes already!!!! I am not gunna lie and say I'm not a wee bit scared too. I'm undergoing a surgery that will take about 4-41/2 hours. But, I needed to sh*t or get off the pot. I have been talking about this since before the kids were born. So, now we have a birthday party this weekend and are having some friends over as well. Busy,busy,busy. But fun stuff on the horizon.
Have an awesome week and a great weekend and I'll blah blah blah again soon. xoxo

Blast from the Past

Well, Its been a while since I've sat down and thought about my blog. I received a letter from a very dear old friend recently and its made me go back in time a bit and revisit some memories. I've also heard some very scary and distressing news that my childhood surrogate mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer and there are also spots on her liver and spine. We don't know what stage but she says its spreading fast. As I pause to let all this sink in I feel an intermingling sense of contrasting emotions. Sadness for my "moms" daughters, who have no other parental support except her. As well as for the loss of dreams, of possibilities. It makes me feel blessed and grateful to have my mom, who is in good health and takes care of herself. It also makes me feel a little guilty. Guilty for what I just said and as well as for not spending a whole lot of time with my other "mom" over the last 15 years. Our lives got busy. Our lives got complicated. Whatever. Its never too late to get in touch. Its never too late to say "I love you". I'm here now.
As for my long lost friend. Another myriad of emotions. Loss,love,friendship,judgement,anxiety,acceptance,surrender,forgiveness.
The biggest trigger though was abandonment. I felt abandoned by her. Our lives were so interwoven that the thought of her not in my life caused emotional pain. I had never been so open and honest with anybody ever before her. Maybe she never knew that? I hold no grudge,no blame, and no malice. I was genuinely happy to hear from her again and am so glad that she is happy and loved. She deserves all the good stuff. As do we all!!! My youngest is home sick with a nasty ol cold. I am doing the best I can to keep everyone,including myself, healthy. So wash your hands everybody and tell the people that you care about that you love them. You can't love them too much!!! Peace n blessin's ya'll xoxo Megs