Well, Its been a while since I've sat down and thought about my blog. I received a letter from a very dear old friend recently and its made me go back in time a bit and revisit some memories. I've also heard some very scary and distressing news that my childhood surrogate mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer and there are also spots on her liver and spine. We don't know what stage but she says its spreading fast. As I pause to let all this sink in I feel an intermingling sense of contrasting emotions. Sadness for my "moms" daughters, who have no other parental support except her. As well as for the loss of dreams, of possibilities. It makes me feel blessed and grateful to have my mom, who is in good health and takes care of herself. It also makes me feel a little guilty. Guilty for what I just said and as well as for not spending a whole lot of time with my other "mom" over the last 15 years. Our lives got busy. Our lives got complicated. Whatever. Its never too late to get in touch. Its never too late to say "I love you". I'm here now.
As for my long lost friend. Another myriad of emotions. Loss,love,friendship,judgement,anxiety,acceptance,surrender,forgiveness.
The biggest trigger though was abandonment. I felt abandoned by her. Our lives were so interwoven that the thought of her not in my life caused emotional pain. I had never been so open and honest with anybody ever before her. Maybe she never knew that? I hold no grudge,no blame, and no malice. I was genuinely happy to hear from her again and am so glad that she is happy and loved. She deserves all the good stuff. As do we all!!! My youngest is home sick with a nasty ol cold. I am doing the best I can to keep everyone,including myself, healthy. So wash your hands everybody and tell the people that you care about that you love them. You can't love them too much!!! Peace n blessin's ya'll xoxo Megs
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