Link to my youtube journal

http://youtu.be/0rjOgNwCDFs
Lets see if this works

overwhelmed with emotion

So much has been going on! My dear friend is fighting for her life. Stage 4 cancer. Two different kinds. There is also a possibility of two other cancers in different areas of her body(brain and liver).  I spoke with her daughter the other day and she shared with me all the possibilities that could happen as well as the treatment options, I had to stop and just listen. My inner voice was protesting...This woman also is a diabetic. She eats a lot of sugar free sweets. All I kept thinking was.. those products have all kinds of artificial flavorings and sweeteners that have been known to cause cancer. I want to ask about alternative therapies, but I don't know what kind of insurance they have( if any) and I know they don't have very much money. I guess I also don't know if its my place to say. I don't want to overwhelm her daughters with ..have you looked into acupuncture, ayurvedic healing,making sure she eats fresh non processed foods..etc. Then there is this other part of me that says..let her eat whatever she wants, getting the pleasures regardless of the consequences. Well, we all know the consequences. When I've talked to my "mom" she seems upbeat and raring to go! But, I know it's because she feels supported. She has had an outpouring of love and support from family and friends that I know she hadn't heard from on a regular basis in a very long time. Myself included. So part of the feeling I get from her..is that she is on a quest or adventure. And now, she doesn't feel like she is alone on this adventure. I think she was very lonely before all this. I feel so sad for her and her daughters. I can't imagine how I would handle the news that my mother was terminal. I would probably make it my mission in life to find healers, shamen, gurus, etc. Though, I wouldn't hesitate to give her my 2 cents on what I think she should do..even though I don't like to should on people..its my momma were talking about and I'm not perfect. This event has make me look closer at my health and how I care for my body. I have struggled with going through menopause early, anxiety, weight gain, insomnia, hot flashes and night sweats, oh my! I have adopted an ayurvedic diet which has helped a lot. Trying to get more regular with a meditation practice. My eldest son has experienced some anxiety and I told him we are going to start meditating together on the weekend. He seemed very open to it. I figure can't start too early. We live in very stressful times and even at school the pressures to perform is really high. Its hard not to compare yourself to other children. I am constantly telling them that everyone learns in their own way. We are not cookie cutter kids that are all the same. We all have different gifts and at the end of the day all that matters is that they are loved and supported. I tell them all the time that mom and dad has their backs. We will stand up for them when they feel that they can't on their own. Oh, I have had a horrible cough(kids too) for weeks. I coughed so hard I pull a pectoral muscle and its hurts like a mofo. When I breathe,cough,sneeze, and pretty much every time I reach out with my right arm. Yay me! Ok, that was my little pity party. Well, the sun is out. Its a beautiful day and I'm going to meet a girlfriend in a little while to get our toesies done. Happy Friday! xoxo

More musings on life

Good Morning. So many things going on right now. Just trying to wrap my head and heart around it all. My "mom" is back at home with her daughter and she starts chemo today. My prayer is that she responds well to it. Can anyone really respond well to chemo? But, I hope the cancer shrinks a bit and this will give her more time with her loved ones. My heart goes out to her daughters, one who is struggling with the day to day aspects of this and the other who feels helpless and a bit removed. There is so much unknown when it comes to illness. How long? Is there suffering?pain? the waiting to hear..the fear. For me, I am just witnessing what comes up. Just trying to be really honest with myself. Even when its uncomfortable. I spoke about guilt. But after speaking with my "mom" I don't much anymore. What could I have done to make her life different? NOTHING. She knows I love her and she accepts me and loves me back. That's all that matters. LOVE. So like Forrest Gump says "thats all I have to say about that.". I am trying to get my health in order. I want to drop a few pounds before my surgery. I have finally made a date to do my tummy tuck. I am tired of this tummy flap I have and no amount of exercising is going to make the skin tighter. So, again I am having all kinds of feelings around this. I had some guilt that I was taking money away from my kids/family. Andrew reassured me that we saved for this and we will be ok and that I deserve to have a waistline again!
Hear!Hear! A waistline..ahhh. I want to enjoy clothes shopping again. I want to throw out all the xl's and maternity wear that I still have! Yes folks, maternity. My youngest is going to be 7 on Saturday. Throw away the maternity clothes already!!!! I am not gunna lie and say I'm not a wee bit scared too. I'm undergoing a surgery that will take about 4-41/2 hours. But, I needed to sh*t or get off the pot. I have been talking about this since before the kids were born. So, now we have a birthday party this weekend and are having some friends over as well. Busy,busy,busy. But fun stuff on the horizon.
Have an awesome week and a great weekend and I'll blah blah blah again soon. xoxo

Blast from the Past

Well, Its been a while since I've sat down and thought about my blog. I received a letter from a very dear old friend recently and its made me go back in time a bit and revisit some memories. I've also heard some very scary and distressing news that my childhood surrogate mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer and there are also spots on her liver and spine. We don't know what stage but she says its spreading fast. As I pause to let all this sink in I feel an intermingling sense of contrasting emotions. Sadness for my "moms" daughters, who have no other parental support except her. As well as for the loss of dreams, of possibilities. It makes me feel blessed and grateful to have my mom, who is in good health and takes care of herself. It also makes me feel a little guilty. Guilty for what I just said and as well as for not spending a whole lot of time with my other "mom" over the last 15 years. Our lives got busy. Our lives got complicated. Whatever. Its never too late to get in touch. Its never too late to say "I love you". I'm here now.
As for my long lost friend. Another myriad of emotions. Loss,love,friendship,judgement,anxiety,acceptance,surrender,forgiveness.
The biggest trigger though was abandonment. I felt abandoned by her. Our lives were so interwoven that the thought of her not in my life caused emotional pain. I had never been so open and honest with anybody ever before her. Maybe she never knew that? I hold no grudge,no blame, and no malice. I was genuinely happy to hear from her again and am so glad that she is happy and loved. She deserves all the good stuff. As do we all!!! My youngest is home sick with a nasty ol cold. I am doing the best I can to keep everyone,including myself, healthy. So wash your hands everybody and tell the people that you care about that you love them. You can't love them too much!!! Peace n blessin's ya'll xoxo Megs

Another link to my youtube video journals

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg0BHNemFh8

Back In the Saddle

So, it's been a long, long time since I've blogged. With three small children I can understand having other things to do with my limited time alone. But, I continue to journal (off n on) and I like the idea of having a video journal. Its mostly for myself. Maybe one day the boys will get a chance to read some of the things that "mommy" thought about when they were small. As someone who struggles with anxiety I feel its important to get it "out" of me. I recently went to youtube and looked under anxiety and watched a few videos. Very interesting and insightful. This is something that is so prevalent in our stressed out society.I have met kids who are having panic attacks as young as first and second grade. I have have known many young teens to already be on anti-anxiety meds. Again, our society's search for the magic pill to make everything alright. Instead of looking at the causes, lets treat the symptoms. SAD! Anyway, enough of that! I feel blessed to have the support I have. If I can give any advice to anyone who is going through a tough time and may be feeling alone, reach out. If you have one person who knows the real YOU and can accept you for who you are, love them and ask for support. Before you know it....It may be that you have a small circle of support that helps you through the trying times. Baby steps and loving kindness to yourself..then you can be really present for others. My son has experienced some anxiety this year. Its been a real learning experience to teach him tools to handle his anxiety. It helps me to share this information with him. Will speak a bit more about it on my video attachment. Loving blessings to you all xoxo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab259kWwF3Y  (if I can figure out how to do it!)

Thanks and Giving

I haven't blogged in a while. With the Holidays and the kids school, I really just got caught up in the day to day activities that keep us plodding along. I am thankful for so much this year, My family, friends-new and old, my relative good health,and my relationship. I am thankful that I'm in a place that I can "strip down" into myself and feel supported to do my process. To grow within my relationships as well as grow into myself. To know that I am loved when I feel strong and confident as well as when I feel small and not good enough. I have been working on the "not enough" this year. Who do I want to be? I want to be proud of myself...how does one do this? Do I live my life the way I want or what might be expected of us? Who gets to say? Me, well me and Andrew. We are a team. Recently Andrew and I gave our time to Habitat for Humanity. Was a wonderful experience. It felt really good to get out with all these other folks to help our community. I definatly want to continue to give. In a way it felt like such a simple thing to do. I can't wait to do this with the boys...when they are bigger. But, we do share the knowledge of helping others with them. And will continue too. We find ways to teach in simple ways for them to understand. Soon we will be going through their toys to donate. This was always a little hard for them to understand..but I think they are starting to get it. Anyway, Hope everyone is happy and healthy and is having a wonderful Holiday season. Love and Light to you all!

Autumn days

For those of you who know me...really know me, know that this year has been a doozie for me. I've been this person who keeps everything all nice and bottled up. Then after many years of pushing my feelings down into the dark abyss that is my psyche..Bang! Pow! Chaos! emotional Armageddon! Panic! Anxiety! Well, I think you get the idea. The only time I really felt like my true self was the year after my step dad died. I hardly remember the year that he died. I spent a lot of time out of body. But it was the first time I felt my heart break...that I can really remember. After the tears and the self pity subsided...anger set in. The unfairness of it all. Yadda Yadda. I got on a plane and my world changed. I felt this sense of freedom I had never experienced before. I felt strong, empowered, bold, mysterious, and happy. Really amazing considering a few months earlier I was almost convinced they were going to drag me away (drooling) to the funny farm! I learned from first hand experience to be truthful and authentic with people. I flourished. Most of the time I wasn't totally conscious of what was transpiring...but then I would journal and I would ask myself these questions...why am I here? What am I learning? Stuff of this nature. I liked this new, brave me. She was looking pretty good. She was feeling pretty good. Then I came home. Slowly over time "old" me started to re-emerge. Then Bang! Pow! emotional Armageddon! Here we go again. How many times do I have to run into that same damn brick wall!!! What the hell is wrong with me? Well...what is it? Fear. Aha! Fear...fear of appearing a fool? fear of ridicule? fear of failure?..very popular one indeed. Fear of success? Shall I continue? No? So what do I do now?
Well, I pick myself up and dust myself off and start ovah. I have been reminded a few times that I am a beginner. There are a lot of things I don't know. This is exciting and scary. But now that I am a parent it seems all the more....important. I'm a teacher whether I want to be or not. My kids are going to take my lead...at least for a little while. This seems like such an awesome responsibility! I realise that so many people parent unconsciously. I try to be a mindful parent. I do struggle with trying to be a perfect parent...but, I'm learning to let that go. For me this blog has been a lot about reflection. Also, I think it's about emptying the crap that runs around like a sugared up monkey in my head. So everyday I face the little challanges of life..like everyone else..and I say " Bring it!"
That's what life is all about...right?

Morning Meditation

" Female friendships that work are relationships in which women help each other to belong to themselves." Louise Bernikow

" To have anything worth giving to a friend, we must belong to ourselves. Are we someone we like? Does our behavior agree with our beliefs? Do our friends share our values, and when we are together do we support one another?

If we don't like our own company, we will try to hide our real selves. The more we hide, the further we are running from wholeness and health. We can assess ourselves, calmly and lovingly, so that we can keep on becoming the women we want to be. The more congruent are our behavior and our beliefs, the more we belong to ourselves. The better we like ourselves, the better friends we can be."

Affirmation:
" The love and sympathy of my women friends can help me in my spiritual journey toward serenity, and I can help theirs. Today, I will accompany others on their journey, and thus find company for my own."
Anon.

Andrew and I were talking about the people we have in our lives now. How important our friends are to us. What we get out of our relationships...who have fallen by the wayside...what kind of folks are we wanting to attract to us now? I feel like this has been a time for re-grouping. For digging down and really looking inward. What is important to us, to our family? There has been a lot of looking back to see if there are unresolved issues that are effecting our now. I have a feeling that there are big lessons for me in doing this. Big lessons for us all really. Here's to looking at ourselves with honesty and compassion. xoxo

This Stage...

" Let us not stifle ourselves any longer. Let us dare to dream and realize those dreams. Let us dare to take risks, having faith that to advance in any respect implies taking risks. We have one another's example to inspire us as we contemplate our own agenda for self expression. Many of us for far too long passively watched others move forward. No longer need we be passive observers, but the familiarity of no action, no choice making, and irresponsibility, makes passivity attractive at times. We must remember responsible choices, for only those make possible our very special contributions. Not every day do we awaken with the strength needed to " do our part." But the strength will be available just as quickly as we call for it. Alone, we are strugglers; however, we have a ready partnership, and it guarantees us guidance, wisdom, and strength when we ask for it."
" I will center on myself. I will nurture the maturing woman within and then reach out."
Anon

School Daze

As we head into the middle of the first full week of school for the big boys, I find myself wondering what my early experiences were like. I don't remember a lot of detail. I remember my preschool graduation. I remember my best friend Tina in Kindergarten. I was in a bilingual class in second grade that I really enjoyed. Third grade I had a harder time. My mom, who was chronically late, got in trouble for never getting me to school on time. I remember being embarrassed having to walk into the classroom knowing I was going to interrupt the lesson.The teacher saying out loud, in front of everyone, how she was going to talk to my mom about it. So I'm in a frenzy in the morning..breakfast..get everyone dressed, lunch for two..brush teeth, spray curls/fluff, kids vitamins, get all our bike gear on, and three days a week getting Tone ready for school too. After the morning craziness is done and I return home, I then realise that I haven't even brushed my teeth and my socks don't match. The house looks like a bomb hit every room and I am starving. So I spend "my" time doing the kids homework. Yes homework for my preschool kid as well as the Kinders! This is all in the guise of fun...crafts for the Family. Then there's PTA..sign up for this and that. Give time...give money!!! But, what keeps me partially sane in all this is that I know I'm not the only harried, fuzzy toothed mom out there. There are a lot of us out there so be kind and beware. ;)

Change Change Change

www.anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com

Hot Dog!

www.anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com

Labor Day

Haven't blogged in a few days. This morning on my walk I was doing step ups and two woman came running by me. One shouted out " You go girl! way to go! I will be doing those tomorrow." I was taken aback a little. I haven't been encouraged by a total stranger before. Was kinda nice. We don't always say nice things to each other...on the contrary really. We are more likely to criticize each other. This made me acutely aware of this factor. So today I am going to compliment a stranger. Who knows...I may start a trend. Have an awesome Labor day. xoxo