First day of school...

So today was the first day of Kindergarten for the boys. I have been looking forward to this day for a while. So here we are. Last night I was talking to Andrew about it and all our expectations. When I dropped off Andrew at the Bart station I cried like a baby. I think some of it has to do with them growing up and the reality that they will never be 4 again or 3...you get my meaning. But I also think that this might be bringing up some school stuff for me. I remember being excited about going and doing crafts...but my sense is that my kids have it a lot better than I. The schools are better. The teachers are dedicated and enthusiastic. The parents are involved. I need to remember that their experience is their own unique one ..not mine. This has been a tough year for me so far. As I struggle to navigate through it I am comforted by the love and friendship I have with Andrew. I don't know what I would do without his understanding and support. My friends and my mom are a great sources of strength. I only wish that my friends weren't so far away. Well, I guess it's time to open up to new people and put myself out there... wherever that is.
xoxo

The folks who come and go

www.anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com

Baby Steps..

I put a lot of pressure on myself. Be a good mother. Be a good wife. Be a good friend. Be a good daughter. Be a good person. You get it. Well maybe I set myself up for disappointment. Can't always be good right? What about being good enough? Trying to change some old behavior. Trying to take better care of myself...physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I'm pretty impatient with myself. I mess up all the time too. But, I've already ridden the pity party train much too long. Time to suck it up and let go of the old B.S. that keeps me down. The weird thing is that even though I'm ready to evolve I'm sad. Why? My life is changing ..and I feel like I'm losing something. I am also gaining a lot...but for a while I think I have been a "glass is half empty" kind of gal. Wasn't always that way. Mostly I have a positive outlook on life. I like to trust in the goodness of people. But there's an old tape that sometimes plays in my head that people aren't to be trusted. That your always being judged by past deeds or mistakes, or just by how you look. That when someone does you a kindness it's because they expect something in return ("money in the bank" someone once said to me )This bums me out. But I plug along. Seeking wisdom and information. Hoping to find joy and adventure along the way. Hoping to bring new folks into my life as I and my loved ones become healthier. Life is such an interesting journey. Wonder where it leading us? xoxo

When I grow up....

Spoke a bit about the dreams of youth in my video today. How the things we dreamed of doing or becoming when we were small aren't at all what we are doing today. For some this is fine. For others this is something that we carry around with us on a daily basis. Either way...lessons. As I sit here I'm trying to remember the dreams I had when I was young. I remember running up to my mom very excited about something I wanted to do and couldn't wait to share the good news. But I was always met with my mother basically telling me that my ideas were unrealistic..or out of range for me. Now not to bag on my parental unit. She was just trying to protect me in her way. We didn't come from a family that encourages..so this is a new concept for us. So What did I learn...don't reach too high. Don't dream too big. The risk is too great. Failure is to be avoided at all cost. Well, now that I'm an adult (finally) I realise that this isn't really a great way to live. Why not reach high? Why not dream big? Risk can be exciting. Failure happens to everyone in some capacity once in a while. Helps us to grow..right? So here's to F-ing up once in a while while dreaming big and reaching high it's worth the risk.

Who got the Holy Spirit?

If you listened to my video about the woman who was screamin' in church today...you will know what I'm talkin' about. If not...check out my video blog(anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com). Anyway, what happened to this lady was one of my biggest fears. I start going to church to seek out a healthy spiritual community...and in the early days all I can think about is "..don't start crying" or lose your shit in front of strangers. This woman lost her shit big time. I don't know if she was a regular or what but it was pretty crazy. But in the end she was cared for. She had a circle of people around her helping her come back from wherever she was. They were loving and kind to her. So I guess..if your going to lose your shit...do it at church. This is not the kinda church of my youth. In fact I had never been to anything like this in my life! My experience with the catholic church has very much jaded me when it comes to the existance of a higher power( Whispers: " G O D ") Can't say the word with out added explanation...or air quotes. Eh...whataya gonna do? xoxo.

got that ol' funky feeling....

Doing my homework for my grief class. Working on my grandma now. I think this has been the hardest for me to do. I loved her more than anyone. She was my mother for the first 12 years of my life. Good or bad this is fact. After she died I did something that is pretty common. I enshrined her. You couldn't say a bad word against her or I would literally chew you up and spit you out! Then, a few years later, in therapy I had a revelation. Realising certain things I did the opposite. Bedevilment. I was so angry. I know that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Good or bad. Right or wrong. At the end of the day, I know she loved me. She loved me more than I probably even realise. So, here I am. Doing the work. Feeling the feelings. Trying to get the past where it needs to be ...in the past. Growing up is hard sometimes. I feel that I need to do these things so I don't pass on to my children the sames dysfunctional ideas. My inner critical voice has been running amok for a while and I know it's going to take some time to change the tape. Work in prgress......

Why is it that time is such a difficult thing to befriend?

As the world continues to spin, we get back to normal. The post birthday reality. Especially for the boys. Joaquin asked if he was still 5. He wondered why he doesn't look any different. Mom have I grown? I had to try to explain that we grow slowly and we don't always notice right away. They are very excited about riding their new bikes to their play date with Jennifer and Isabelle. Andrew had monday off and so he's back at work today. It's always a bit sad to see him go. I wish he worked from home. I like having him around. Yes, even after almost 13 years. I'm also excited to see "American Idiot" at the Berkeley Rep next month as well as Daniel Tosh on friday. I guess birthdays are good for something ; )

Happy Birthday to me

Ok. So today is my birthday. I am not the biggest fan of getting old. But what's the alternative. Become vampire? Too squeamish. Sell soul? Too superstitious. Have creepy aging picture in basement? Too scary. So, I'll age. Actually I have all kinds of fantasies of what kind of old broad I'll be. I was talking to the girls last night about the kind of music we all listen to. Going out dancing and getting our groove on. Our moms generation doing the monkey and the mashed potato. Our generation...the cabbage patch, the running man, the butterfly, etc. Can you imagine this scene: Our kids wedding reception and the DJ starts spinning Heavy D and the Boys or Digital Underground. We, as in me and my cronies, march out and start humping and grinding on each other. Horribly embarrassing ourselves and our children. Heaven forbid there is alcohol involved! I think I might be a funny old bitty. Anyway, must remember I am not an old broad yet and I look forward to growing up and growing old(er). I would like to learn to lighten up. Not take life and everything soo seriously or soo personally. Have fun..laugh more..love with abandon..a kinder gentler me. That's my birthday wish. xoxo

almost 42

OK today is the last day of my being 41. I'm 42 tomorrow...I'm still getting used to being 40. Life moves fast. The boys are having their birthday party tomorrow...so it takes some heat off me. I would be happy with never celebrating a birthday again. But I think this might upset others. I've never liked birthdays. I think I was constantly disappointed as a child and finally gave up. For a Leo, I think that being the center of attention isn't the biggest deal for me. Not to say I don't like any attention. That would be a false statement. But, I guess I'm finding it hard to say goodbye to my maidenhood. Motherhood has taken ovah! And as I slowly approach my 50's I realise how quickly life passes. This is why it's so important to live and be present in the moment. I have to remind myself daily ...hourly really. My kids are already 5. The last 5 years have flown by. I really enjoyed them being infants,nursing them and watching them sleep. Now things become more challenging. Testing, sassing, negotiating. They are our greatest teachers. I have learned more about myself these last few years...and it's been humbling. My ego has taken a well deserved beating and I feel like I am struggling to emerge from my pupa/chrysalis. I'm looking forward to seeing who I become. Even if that means I have to continue celebrating birthdays. Happy birthday to all my fellow Leos. Love and light, Megxoxo

Yay Friday!

I still do feel anxiety from time to time. I always have to check in and ask myself "What is this really about?" and "What am I afraid of?" Then I can get myself back into the moment I am in. I had a great day yesterday spending time with the boys and their cousin and his grandmother. My mom was there as well. We went to the Oakland Zoo. Antonio went on the tiger rollercoaster for the first time. He was really excited. I'm not sure what he thought at first as he was white knuckling it...but after the first pass he seemed to be enjoying it. Though most of the boys were content with going only once. Joaquin wanted to do it again, but no one else did. So, we continued with other rides. Had a nice lunch and checked out some animals and played in the childrens area. Ordered the boys cake too. Nascar. I hope it's not gross. Asked to make some changes with the frosting. We'll see.I just didn't want to stress myself out by trying to make the cake too. I did that last year. Granted I think I made two cakes...the memory is fading. Today I want to get out for a bike ride. Haven't done one all week. My foot has been really hurting for the last couple of days...it's not getting any better. Hinders me from running or even going for a power walk. Sucks really...don't know why it's hurting. Don't remember injuring it.Got to take care of myself.Todays affirmation for me: Rewards will be forthcoming when I am honest. Honest with self...try it. xoxo.

August 13...really

I had such a crazy busy day yesterday that I wasn't able to post until today. Was a good crazy busy but still...time gotta away from me.

Love is Universal

The Three Amigos

I have just finished making myself some breakfast. The boys are done and coloring at the table. Sounds ok. But, they were shouting out orders at me and then at each other. Joaquin to Emilio: "you are not the boss of me!" Antonio to mom: "I want more almond milk!" "I want an egg!" mom to Antonio: "Use your manners...I didn't hear a please." Antonio shouts/whines "No want to use manners!" Mom makes egg. Antonio: "NO want egg!" MOM: "Why did you ask for an egg when you're not going to eat it?" Various whines and noises erupt from my youngest sons mouth. Joaquin is now discussing with Emilio how he heard some little girl say "damnit". Joaquin asks me,again "Damnit is not a nice word is it mom?" "No Joaquin it is not a nice word." Damnit gets bandied around a bit more until I say enough! Antonio, who is the sweetest, most affectionate little guy has woken up this morning with a whinny, argumentative, contrary demon inside of him. Anyone know of a good exorcist? Ah..hear comes the sun.

Is it hot or is it just me?

Note to self. Remember to tell the people in your life how you feel about them...you never know. I love and cherish the friends I have in my life. You all bring your special-ness (not the short bus kind) to our relationship. Without you in my life I wouldn't be who I am. So thank you and I love you. You know who you are. And if your not sure, I will be letting you know shortly.

When bad things happen to good people

I got some tragic news Friday night. My dear friend Alisha informed me that her god mother Cindy was killed in her home. It was brutal. A possible home invasion gone wrong. They have the two men in custody. It made me go way back. My memories of Cindy are a mixed bag. What I remember was her crazy no nonsense sense of humor. She had a mouth like a truck driver too. She used to shock me all the time. She loved scary movies. Went and saw Hellraiser at the coliseum drive in with her and she drove Charlene and I crazy with Salt n Peppa's "Push it". Over and over she played that song, while watching the movie. I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out! She loved younger men, much to the chagrin of her kids. Her boyfriends often came first too. But, she had a big heart and was a very loyal friend. No one deserves to go the way that she did. But, life is not fair. She was loved and will be missed. RIP Cindy. "However confused the scene of our life appears, however torn we may be who now do face the scene, it can be faced, and we can go on to be whole." Muriel Rukeyser. Love and light to you all,
Meg

My videos aren't uploading and this is very frustrating. We are trying to get out of here! I hate that my options have changed for my blog. I mentioned this before. I don't like CHANGE! Well, at least when it's inconvienent. I really hoped this would have been sorted out. I like choosing the font and size of font for myself. I'll get it together. I think that it's important for us, as humans, to evolve. Now is the time, the opportunity we've been waiting for. Truth, connection, growth. We have to learn to trust each other. To treat each other with loving kindness. A time to be mindful, to have faith that we are supported by the goodness of life. It's time to practice what we preach. Stop being afraid of what others might think. Stop competing with each other. There are a lot of people out there who support competition. "Healthy" competition is good for the children...competition helps to push you to succeed...stuff like that. Why do we need to prove to anybody who we are? How good we are at something. Why can we just encourage, nurture, praise, support? Time to get back to the basics. Let's live and let live. Today I am going to smile at everyone I make eye contact with today...I might even say "hello". Oh my! Have a good one. Talk to you later. XO