Thanks and Giving

I haven't blogged in a while. With the Holidays and the kids school, I really just got caught up in the day to day activities that keep us plodding along. I am thankful for so much this year, My family, friends-new and old, my relative good health,and my relationship. I am thankful that I'm in a place that I can "strip down" into myself and feel supported to do my process. To grow within my relationships as well as grow into myself. To know that I am loved when I feel strong and confident as well as when I feel small and not good enough. I have been working on the "not enough" this year. Who do I want to be? I want to be proud of myself...how does one do this? Do I live my life the way I want or what might be expected of us? Who gets to say? Me, well me and Andrew. We are a team. Recently Andrew and I gave our time to Habitat for Humanity. Was a wonderful experience. It felt really good to get out with all these other folks to help our community. I definatly want to continue to give. In a way it felt like such a simple thing to do. I can't wait to do this with the boys...when they are bigger. But, we do share the knowledge of helping others with them. And will continue too. We find ways to teach in simple ways for them to understand. Soon we will be going through their toys to donate. This was always a little hard for them to understand..but I think they are starting to get it. Anyway, Hope everyone is happy and healthy and is having a wonderful Holiday season. Love and Light to you all!

Autumn days

For those of you who know me...really know me, know that this year has been a doozie for me. I've been this person who keeps everything all nice and bottled up. Then after many years of pushing my feelings down into the dark abyss that is my psyche..Bang! Pow! Chaos! emotional Armageddon! Panic! Anxiety! Well, I think you get the idea. The only time I really felt like my true self was the year after my step dad died. I hardly remember the year that he died. I spent a lot of time out of body. But it was the first time I felt my heart break...that I can really remember. After the tears and the self pity subsided...anger set in. The unfairness of it all. Yadda Yadda. I got on a plane and my world changed. I felt this sense of freedom I had never experienced before. I felt strong, empowered, bold, mysterious, and happy. Really amazing considering a few months earlier I was almost convinced they were going to drag me away (drooling) to the funny farm! I learned from first hand experience to be truthful and authentic with people. I flourished. Most of the time I wasn't totally conscious of what was transpiring...but then I would journal and I would ask myself these questions...why am I here? What am I learning? Stuff of this nature. I liked this new, brave me. She was looking pretty good. She was feeling pretty good. Then I came home. Slowly over time "old" me started to re-emerge. Then Bang! Pow! emotional Armageddon! Here we go again. How many times do I have to run into that same damn brick wall!!! What the hell is wrong with me? Well...what is it? Fear. Aha! Fear...fear of appearing a fool? fear of ridicule? fear of failure?..very popular one indeed. Fear of success? Shall I continue? No? So what do I do now?
Well, I pick myself up and dust myself off and start ovah. I have been reminded a few times that I am a beginner. There are a lot of things I don't know. This is exciting and scary. But now that I am a parent it seems all the more....important. I'm a teacher whether I want to be or not. My kids are going to take my lead...at least for a little while. This seems like such an awesome responsibility! I realise that so many people parent unconsciously. I try to be a mindful parent. I do struggle with trying to be a perfect parent...but, I'm learning to let that go. For me this blog has been a lot about reflection. Also, I think it's about emptying the crap that runs around like a sugared up monkey in my head. So everyday I face the little challanges of life..like everyone else..and I say " Bring it!"
That's what life is all about...right?

Morning Meditation

" Female friendships that work are relationships in which women help each other to belong to themselves." Louise Bernikow

" To have anything worth giving to a friend, we must belong to ourselves. Are we someone we like? Does our behavior agree with our beliefs? Do our friends share our values, and when we are together do we support one another?

If we don't like our own company, we will try to hide our real selves. The more we hide, the further we are running from wholeness and health. We can assess ourselves, calmly and lovingly, so that we can keep on becoming the women we want to be. The more congruent are our behavior and our beliefs, the more we belong to ourselves. The better we like ourselves, the better friends we can be."

Affirmation:
" The love and sympathy of my women friends can help me in my spiritual journey toward serenity, and I can help theirs. Today, I will accompany others on their journey, and thus find company for my own."
Anon.

Andrew and I were talking about the people we have in our lives now. How important our friends are to us. What we get out of our relationships...who have fallen by the wayside...what kind of folks are we wanting to attract to us now? I feel like this has been a time for re-grouping. For digging down and really looking inward. What is important to us, to our family? There has been a lot of looking back to see if there are unresolved issues that are effecting our now. I have a feeling that there are big lessons for me in doing this. Big lessons for us all really. Here's to looking at ourselves with honesty and compassion. xoxo

This Stage...

" Let us not stifle ourselves any longer. Let us dare to dream and realize those dreams. Let us dare to take risks, having faith that to advance in any respect implies taking risks. We have one another's example to inspire us as we contemplate our own agenda for self expression. Many of us for far too long passively watched others move forward. No longer need we be passive observers, but the familiarity of no action, no choice making, and irresponsibility, makes passivity attractive at times. We must remember responsible choices, for only those make possible our very special contributions. Not every day do we awaken with the strength needed to " do our part." But the strength will be available just as quickly as we call for it. Alone, we are strugglers; however, we have a ready partnership, and it guarantees us guidance, wisdom, and strength when we ask for it."
" I will center on myself. I will nurture the maturing woman within and then reach out."
Anon

School Daze

As we head into the middle of the first full week of school for the big boys, I find myself wondering what my early experiences were like. I don't remember a lot of detail. I remember my preschool graduation. I remember my best friend Tina in Kindergarten. I was in a bilingual class in second grade that I really enjoyed. Third grade I had a harder time. My mom, who was chronically late, got in trouble for never getting me to school on time. I remember being embarrassed having to walk into the classroom knowing I was going to interrupt the lesson.The teacher saying out loud, in front of everyone, how she was going to talk to my mom about it. So I'm in a frenzy in the morning..breakfast..get everyone dressed, lunch for two..brush teeth, spray curls/fluff, kids vitamins, get all our bike gear on, and three days a week getting Tone ready for school too. After the morning craziness is done and I return home, I then realise that I haven't even brushed my teeth and my socks don't match. The house looks like a bomb hit every room and I am starving. So I spend "my" time doing the kids homework. Yes homework for my preschool kid as well as the Kinders! This is all in the guise of fun...crafts for the Family. Then there's PTA..sign up for this and that. Give time...give money!!! But, what keeps me partially sane in all this is that I know I'm not the only harried, fuzzy toothed mom out there. There are a lot of us out there so be kind and beware. ;)

Change Change Change

www.anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com

Hot Dog!

www.anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com

Labor Day

Haven't blogged in a few days. This morning on my walk I was doing step ups and two woman came running by me. One shouted out " You go girl! way to go! I will be doing those tomorrow." I was taken aback a little. I haven't been encouraged by a total stranger before. Was kinda nice. We don't always say nice things to each other...on the contrary really. We are more likely to criticize each other. This made me acutely aware of this factor. So today I am going to compliment a stranger. Who knows...I may start a trend. Have an awesome Labor day. xoxo

First day of school...

So today was the first day of Kindergarten for the boys. I have been looking forward to this day for a while. So here we are. Last night I was talking to Andrew about it and all our expectations. When I dropped off Andrew at the Bart station I cried like a baby. I think some of it has to do with them growing up and the reality that they will never be 4 again or 3...you get my meaning. But I also think that this might be bringing up some school stuff for me. I remember being excited about going and doing crafts...but my sense is that my kids have it a lot better than I. The schools are better. The teachers are dedicated and enthusiastic. The parents are involved. I need to remember that their experience is their own unique one ..not mine. This has been a tough year for me so far. As I struggle to navigate through it I am comforted by the love and friendship I have with Andrew. I don't know what I would do without his understanding and support. My friends and my mom are a great sources of strength. I only wish that my friends weren't so far away. Well, I guess it's time to open up to new people and put myself out there... wherever that is.
xoxo

The folks who come and go

www.anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com

Baby Steps..

I put a lot of pressure on myself. Be a good mother. Be a good wife. Be a good friend. Be a good daughter. Be a good person. You get it. Well maybe I set myself up for disappointment. Can't always be good right? What about being good enough? Trying to change some old behavior. Trying to take better care of myself...physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I'm pretty impatient with myself. I mess up all the time too. But, I've already ridden the pity party train much too long. Time to suck it up and let go of the old B.S. that keeps me down. The weird thing is that even though I'm ready to evolve I'm sad. Why? My life is changing ..and I feel like I'm losing something. I am also gaining a lot...but for a while I think I have been a "glass is half empty" kind of gal. Wasn't always that way. Mostly I have a positive outlook on life. I like to trust in the goodness of people. But there's an old tape that sometimes plays in my head that people aren't to be trusted. That your always being judged by past deeds or mistakes, or just by how you look. That when someone does you a kindness it's because they expect something in return ("money in the bank" someone once said to me )This bums me out. But I plug along. Seeking wisdom and information. Hoping to find joy and adventure along the way. Hoping to bring new folks into my life as I and my loved ones become healthier. Life is such an interesting journey. Wonder where it leading us? xoxo

When I grow up....

Spoke a bit about the dreams of youth in my video today. How the things we dreamed of doing or becoming when we were small aren't at all what we are doing today. For some this is fine. For others this is something that we carry around with us on a daily basis. Either way...lessons. As I sit here I'm trying to remember the dreams I had when I was young. I remember running up to my mom very excited about something I wanted to do and couldn't wait to share the good news. But I was always met with my mother basically telling me that my ideas were unrealistic..or out of range for me. Now not to bag on my parental unit. She was just trying to protect me in her way. We didn't come from a family that encourages..so this is a new concept for us. So What did I learn...don't reach too high. Don't dream too big. The risk is too great. Failure is to be avoided at all cost. Well, now that I'm an adult (finally) I realise that this isn't really a great way to live. Why not reach high? Why not dream big? Risk can be exciting. Failure happens to everyone in some capacity once in a while. Helps us to grow..right? So here's to F-ing up once in a while while dreaming big and reaching high it's worth the risk.

Who got the Holy Spirit?

If you listened to my video about the woman who was screamin' in church today...you will know what I'm talkin' about. If not...check out my video blog(anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com). Anyway, what happened to this lady was one of my biggest fears. I start going to church to seek out a healthy spiritual community...and in the early days all I can think about is "..don't start crying" or lose your shit in front of strangers. This woman lost her shit big time. I don't know if she was a regular or what but it was pretty crazy. But in the end she was cared for. She had a circle of people around her helping her come back from wherever she was. They were loving and kind to her. So I guess..if your going to lose your shit...do it at church. This is not the kinda church of my youth. In fact I had never been to anything like this in my life! My experience with the catholic church has very much jaded me when it comes to the existance of a higher power( Whispers: " G O D ") Can't say the word with out added explanation...or air quotes. Eh...whataya gonna do? xoxo.

got that ol' funky feeling....

Doing my homework for my grief class. Working on my grandma now. I think this has been the hardest for me to do. I loved her more than anyone. She was my mother for the first 12 years of my life. Good or bad this is fact. After she died I did something that is pretty common. I enshrined her. You couldn't say a bad word against her or I would literally chew you up and spit you out! Then, a few years later, in therapy I had a revelation. Realising certain things I did the opposite. Bedevilment. I was so angry. I know that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Good or bad. Right or wrong. At the end of the day, I know she loved me. She loved me more than I probably even realise. So, here I am. Doing the work. Feeling the feelings. Trying to get the past where it needs to be ...in the past. Growing up is hard sometimes. I feel that I need to do these things so I don't pass on to my children the sames dysfunctional ideas. My inner critical voice has been running amok for a while and I know it's going to take some time to change the tape. Work in prgress......

Why is it that time is such a difficult thing to befriend?

As the world continues to spin, we get back to normal. The post birthday reality. Especially for the boys. Joaquin asked if he was still 5. He wondered why he doesn't look any different. Mom have I grown? I had to try to explain that we grow slowly and we don't always notice right away. They are very excited about riding their new bikes to their play date with Jennifer and Isabelle. Andrew had monday off and so he's back at work today. It's always a bit sad to see him go. I wish he worked from home. I like having him around. Yes, even after almost 13 years. I'm also excited to see "American Idiot" at the Berkeley Rep next month as well as Daniel Tosh on friday. I guess birthdays are good for something ; )

Happy Birthday to me

Ok. So today is my birthday. I am not the biggest fan of getting old. But what's the alternative. Become vampire? Too squeamish. Sell soul? Too superstitious. Have creepy aging picture in basement? Too scary. So, I'll age. Actually I have all kinds of fantasies of what kind of old broad I'll be. I was talking to the girls last night about the kind of music we all listen to. Going out dancing and getting our groove on. Our moms generation doing the monkey and the mashed potato. Our generation...the cabbage patch, the running man, the butterfly, etc. Can you imagine this scene: Our kids wedding reception and the DJ starts spinning Heavy D and the Boys or Digital Underground. We, as in me and my cronies, march out and start humping and grinding on each other. Horribly embarrassing ourselves and our children. Heaven forbid there is alcohol involved! I think I might be a funny old bitty. Anyway, must remember I am not an old broad yet and I look forward to growing up and growing old(er). I would like to learn to lighten up. Not take life and everything soo seriously or soo personally. Have fun..laugh more..love with abandon..a kinder gentler me. That's my birthday wish. xoxo

almost 42

OK today is the last day of my being 41. I'm 42 tomorrow...I'm still getting used to being 40. Life moves fast. The boys are having their birthday party tomorrow...so it takes some heat off me. I would be happy with never celebrating a birthday again. But I think this might upset others. I've never liked birthdays. I think I was constantly disappointed as a child and finally gave up. For a Leo, I think that being the center of attention isn't the biggest deal for me. Not to say I don't like any attention. That would be a false statement. But, I guess I'm finding it hard to say goodbye to my maidenhood. Motherhood has taken ovah! And as I slowly approach my 50's I realise how quickly life passes. This is why it's so important to live and be present in the moment. I have to remind myself daily ...hourly really. My kids are already 5. The last 5 years have flown by. I really enjoyed them being infants,nursing them and watching them sleep. Now things become more challenging. Testing, sassing, negotiating. They are our greatest teachers. I have learned more about myself these last few years...and it's been humbling. My ego has taken a well deserved beating and I feel like I am struggling to emerge from my pupa/chrysalis. I'm looking forward to seeing who I become. Even if that means I have to continue celebrating birthdays. Happy birthday to all my fellow Leos. Love and light, Megxoxo

Yay Friday!

I still do feel anxiety from time to time. I always have to check in and ask myself "What is this really about?" and "What am I afraid of?" Then I can get myself back into the moment I am in. I had a great day yesterday spending time with the boys and their cousin and his grandmother. My mom was there as well. We went to the Oakland Zoo. Antonio went on the tiger rollercoaster for the first time. He was really excited. I'm not sure what he thought at first as he was white knuckling it...but after the first pass he seemed to be enjoying it. Though most of the boys were content with going only once. Joaquin wanted to do it again, but no one else did. So, we continued with other rides. Had a nice lunch and checked out some animals and played in the childrens area. Ordered the boys cake too. Nascar. I hope it's not gross. Asked to make some changes with the frosting. We'll see.I just didn't want to stress myself out by trying to make the cake too. I did that last year. Granted I think I made two cakes...the memory is fading. Today I want to get out for a bike ride. Haven't done one all week. My foot has been really hurting for the last couple of days...it's not getting any better. Hinders me from running or even going for a power walk. Sucks really...don't know why it's hurting. Don't remember injuring it.Got to take care of myself.Todays affirmation for me: Rewards will be forthcoming when I am honest. Honest with self...try it. xoxo.

August 13...really

I had such a crazy busy day yesterday that I wasn't able to post until today. Was a good crazy busy but still...time gotta away from me.

Love is Universal

The Three Amigos

I have just finished making myself some breakfast. The boys are done and coloring at the table. Sounds ok. But, they were shouting out orders at me and then at each other. Joaquin to Emilio: "you are not the boss of me!" Antonio to mom: "I want more almond milk!" "I want an egg!" mom to Antonio: "Use your manners...I didn't hear a please." Antonio shouts/whines "No want to use manners!" Mom makes egg. Antonio: "NO want egg!" MOM: "Why did you ask for an egg when you're not going to eat it?" Various whines and noises erupt from my youngest sons mouth. Joaquin is now discussing with Emilio how he heard some little girl say "damnit". Joaquin asks me,again "Damnit is not a nice word is it mom?" "No Joaquin it is not a nice word." Damnit gets bandied around a bit more until I say enough! Antonio, who is the sweetest, most affectionate little guy has woken up this morning with a whinny, argumentative, contrary demon inside of him. Anyone know of a good exorcist? Ah..hear comes the sun.

Is it hot or is it just me?

Note to self. Remember to tell the people in your life how you feel about them...you never know. I love and cherish the friends I have in my life. You all bring your special-ness (not the short bus kind) to our relationship. Without you in my life I wouldn't be who I am. So thank you and I love you. You know who you are. And if your not sure, I will be letting you know shortly.

When bad things happen to good people

I got some tragic news Friday night. My dear friend Alisha informed me that her god mother Cindy was killed in her home. It was brutal. A possible home invasion gone wrong. They have the two men in custody. It made me go way back. My memories of Cindy are a mixed bag. What I remember was her crazy no nonsense sense of humor. She had a mouth like a truck driver too. She used to shock me all the time. She loved scary movies. Went and saw Hellraiser at the coliseum drive in with her and she drove Charlene and I crazy with Salt n Peppa's "Push it". Over and over she played that song, while watching the movie. I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out! She loved younger men, much to the chagrin of her kids. Her boyfriends often came first too. But, she had a big heart and was a very loyal friend. No one deserves to go the way that she did. But, life is not fair. She was loved and will be missed. RIP Cindy. "However confused the scene of our life appears, however torn we may be who now do face the scene, it can be faced, and we can go on to be whole." Muriel Rukeyser. Love and light to you all,
Meg

My videos aren't uploading and this is very frustrating. We are trying to get out of here! I hate that my options have changed for my blog. I mentioned this before. I don't like CHANGE! Well, at least when it's inconvienent. I really hoped this would have been sorted out. I like choosing the font and size of font for myself. I'll get it together. I think that it's important for us, as humans, to evolve. Now is the time, the opportunity we've been waiting for. Truth, connection, growth. We have to learn to trust each other. To treat each other with loving kindness. A time to be mindful, to have faith that we are supported by the goodness of life. It's time to practice what we preach. Stop being afraid of what others might think. Stop competing with each other. There are a lot of people out there who support competition. "Healthy" competition is good for the children...competition helps to push you to succeed...stuff like that. Why do we need to prove to anybody who we are? How good we are at something. Why can we just encourage, nurture, praise, support? Time to get back to the basics. Let's live and let live. Today I am going to smile at everyone I make eye contact with today...I might even say "hello". Oh my! Have a good one. Talk to you later. XO

Something has changed with the options on how my blog looks. Or rather I cannot choose a font or font size. I hate not having control over this and I don't like change. Sound familiar. Hey your human too. Just got back from a play date and TJ's. Very cool today. Overcast and kinda gloomy for a summers day. Ahh Northern Californian summers...I know I shouldn't complain...we do have heat waves in March that I look forward to every year. And to be totally honest most of the year is like Springtime. My favorite..Having a hard time loading my video today. I did it while I was logged into Andrew's account. Now I'm all confused. I'll post it later. Lots to do before our trip. Laundry, clean, pack, get birthday cards signed for Grandma, print out some photos...I'm sure I'm forgetting something. My back is really bothering me. I don't want it to go out right before our trip. I don't want it to go out at all, but especially before our holiday! I keep asking myself "are you really stressed out?" Well , no more that usual...I think. In a lot of ways I've been feeling better about a lot of things. Yet here we are. Back issues. Is that about feeling supported?

Morning Shmorning

Pretty organized this morning. The kids are ready for school and we have a 15 minute buffer. That rarely happens. We blew a fuse this morning and the fridge is off. Of course I call Andrew. He tells me that the fuse box is in the garage. Well, its behind all kids of large, heavy items and I'm like "crap!". I will have to do It later. One more thing to add to the list. I need an extra mom. The kind of mom who will do the house work, fix things, sets up appointments and reminds you about them, packs everyone's stuff for vacations, makes you a healthy snack, and tells you that your still pretty despite the fact that your turning 42 too soon. Any takers?Well, off to the store so I can get back in time to clean the kitchen, before the boys get home from school, and before the handy man comes to fix the drawers and the grout. Oh right and the fuse! Where's my brain? Haave a great day!

Faith

I think I got the sound thing figured out. Count down to vacation time. I can't wait! I am soo looking forward to having some Andrew time as well as family time. So many of my friends and acquaintances are struggling. Losing jobs, foreclosing homes, separations, etc. It's hard not to get depressed about the state of affairs of the country or the people I love and care for. This has to be for a reason right? Spoke to my mother in law yesterday and she told me about a couple she knows. The provider lost his job as an engineer and has been looking since Christmas. He is interviewing this week at the local Tesco's. It's a large supermarket chain in England. You need to do whatever you can to support your family. Doesn't seem to matter anymore if you have a degree or not these days. Sad state of affairs. Anyway, enough of that. Have faith that these are blessings in disguise.

Being in the moment...

This morning after I recorded my video I realized that my children had pulled out the microphone lead. So no sound. Had to do it twice. The first one was, of course, profound. New one...eh. Anyway, I am joined by my son, Emilio in the end who wants to do funny faces again. Maybe later. Hope we are all learning to live in the NOW. XOXO.

keeping in touch

It's been great re-connecting with people. Facebook has allowed me to do that. I can see how Facebook can be a big time waster..if you get too caught up with the games and quizzes and such. Though I have to admit to enjoying some of the other applications ;0. I'm feeling lucky and blessed this morning. Even in the midst of the global economies meltdown and my communities issues, Andrew and I are incredibly lucky. We don't have debt, except for our mortgage. We live simply and within our means. That's not to say that we don't desire the means to do more or have more. Sometimes it is frustrating to nickle and dime everything, but it is what it is. We have each other. That in itself is a blessing. I am so thankful to have a partner in this life who is my best friend. Someone who calls me on my shit. Who tells me sometimes about myself...even when its hard to say. Knowing how defensive I can be. And I do the same..eventually. I've learned so much about myself being in this relationship and continue to on an almost daily basis. The children are amazing teachers as well. Big time for healing, people! Big time for growth and change..not just personally but globally. Take that! booyah! ;)

Fear of Success?

I think it is not unusual to be afraid of failure. We all are afraid to some extent. I also think fear of success is not unusual either. "Be not afraid of greatness." Twelfth Night. Yet what holds us back from even trying? A voice in your head? One that isn't even yours? A parent or a teacher who once told you you weren't good enough? Auntie or Uncle, Grandparent? One thinks that it's a grown ups job to encourage a child's believe in him/herself right? Well, this was not the case for many of us. And for a lot of children in the world , it is still not the case. This is behavior that has to change. I know I'm doing my best to change that for my family. This can only really happen one person at a time. Changing the way we behave or react to situations has a trickle down effect. Or ripples out. Let's get on that people. Peace out.

more judgement...

You know doing this blog is still a bit scary for me. It's a place for me to be as honest with the process of growing as I can. Yet there is still a part of me that holds back. I feel like I can share certain things about myself, but I have to be careful about what I say in regards to how I react to other people, I don't ever what this to be about talking crap. My meditation was about the choice to have a positive attitude which breeds positive experiences. In other words, we attract into our lives that which we expect. If we expect our day to be difficult, full of effort...it will be. I love my friends..they're really more like family for me. So what happens to them feels sometimes like it's happening to me too. I think "what can I do?" I also have been realizing that there is information we hold back from each other. I don't want to do this. If we don't have anyone that we can be our true selves with...well...what's the point. All your life is "acting" and not being authentic. Which is a word we hear a lot about but, are we ever really authentic? Food for thought.

When life gives you lemons.....

Good morning. There is still this weird pause and I sound like a demon again briefly. Strange. I'll have Andrew look into this weekend. Getting excited about impending vacation. Trying not to feel guilty about the cost. I feel very lucky that we get to have one. As more and more people are becoming unemployed, I'm starting to worry about our situation. Andy and I spoke about this last night. He's worried that he has not been able to really save any money this year. I said that at least we've been able to handle all the "little emergencies" that have come up. Whether it's our tenants who are late with the rent, their check bounces, there's a problem with the toilet, school fees are due,or we need to fix a dent in our car. We are able to handle it. Yes, it's stressful. Sometimes it's not fair. But here we are. How are we going to react to the situation? What we are trying to remember is that we have each other. To listen, to lean on. Let's not forget or take this for granted. Also, no matter how well you know someone...we can't read each others minds. Well, not always. So communicate to the best of your ability. Honestly.

Today I had a visit from a great friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. Was so wonderful to catch up. Something else I discovered living my process is, being honest, really honest is the only way to truly grow and connect with someone. Sharing our stories opens us to the possibility of learning something new about someone or ourselves. This may seem obvious to some, but for me...well, I've always been pretty guarded. Supporting one another without judgement, accepting ourselves for who we are and not who we wish we were, so that we can really accept others, treating ourselves and others with respect. Learning to look fear in the the eye and spitting in it! Well, maybe not spitting, but definatly not letting it lead me by the nose. Humor has been key too.Anyway, going to go hang out with my hubby now. LOVE!

Communication

"Life lessons are simple, once I give up the struggle." Sounds easy enough, no? I have been saying to myself, "surrender"a lot these days. Be open to receive new opportunities. Easier said than done. Anything worthwhile takes practice, right? In today's video there is a glitch where I sound demonic....it doesn't last long. And the sound and the image are off today as well. It was like I was in an old Godzilla movie. Anyway, I have noticed that my eating patterns are slowly returning to the "old" ways. Not good. I find myself craving ice cream and fried chicken. I'm also inhaling stuff. For a while there I was really mindfully eating. Taking the time to make myself something healthy and yummy. Sitting down and eating. Recently I have been shoving things in my face, barely even tasting the food. What's up with that! This morning I WILL have oatmeal with flax! Trying to treat myself with respect. Practice, practice, practice.

Happy Sunday

Was and interesting day today. Church was great. I am feeling better about it every time we go. I love the music and the guided meditation. There is usually and inspiring or uplifting "sermon". The Unity community is such a friendly and welcoming one. There are really nice people and I love Berkeley. I'm still getting used to the differences between my catholic church experience and Unity. Night and day. I think we are going to be happy going there and being a part of the Unity community. I just like saying that. :) Went with Andrew to the movies today too. Dropped off the kids with their Nana and went to the new Harry Potter flick. Was really good. Lots of details from the book missing, but then we decided that the movie would have been like 5 hours long. Was a nice afternoon. Going to settle in and get to bed at a decent hour. More tomorrow.....

Oh what a beautiful morning....

So today the kids get into the act. Second video at the end. They love the special effects. It's a gorgeous day today and Andrew, the kids and I are going to take full advantage of it! Have a great day!

fun,family, and friends

This is what it is all about folks. The boys are getting so big! Joaquin and Emilio are starting kindergarten in the fall and Antonio is finally potty trained! Yay! no more diapers or pull ups! here are a few pictures of our recent activities.

And now this....

The sound thing is fixed! Andy fixed it for me. Yeay, tech guy!

Moment by Moment

Was a good day. Gonna be another today.

Deep breath people

"Today is a new day" Chicken Little. Sometimes this is my mantra. Yesterday has past and I have today to make a new start. All of us. Yesterday does not define who we are. Nuff said.

When did I turn into a big fraidy cat?

Hello,
Today I an feeling a bit insecure. I have a playdate with a woman from the boys pre-school today. Funny, how it became my playdate. The boys have a playdate with twin girls. They are very sweet and cute, the boys call them their girlfriends. We were invited over to their house a couple of weeks ago and had a great time. Their mother seemed as nervous as I, so I felt more at ease. After a while I realised that we have a lot of the same anxieties. Worried about our husbands jobs, about someone bullying our kids, staying sane in the midst of all the craziness that is happening in the world. They are coming to our house today....do we have enough stuff to keep the girls entertained? Do I know where everything is? Stuff gets put away in verying places sometimes....Anyway, gotta go...

Being present and the Cuell's go to church...wha?

Mornin' ya'll,
Didn't post yesterday, had a lot going on and needed to process before talkin' to you. So, I'm able to get my video's down to two. Trying to get up earlier to do them so the munchkin's don't interrupt. So off we go!

love and connection

Good Morning all,
I wanted to talk about truth and connection. I understand how hard it is, for most of us, to be completely truthful. With others and ourselves. Especially ourselves. What prompted me to do this, this blog, was because of an infomercial that I saw one day. I had been noticing that on this one cable channel all it said was Anxiety and Depression. So, finally I checked it out. What I saw were lots of people talking about how anxiety and depression had been effecting their lives and the lives of their family members. I heard a lot of the same things I had been experiencing. I thought Wow! Ok, what's the secret? No drugs,excellent! This woman had devised a way, a program to help. So, what do I do? I go online and research who this lady is. Her program is ridiculously expensive. Affirmations, exercise, vitamins...stuff like that. Lots of angry people who felt cheated in their time of need. A lot of people felt it was a scam. There are books you can read that give you the same advice. Full price maybe $30 bucks. Her program was over $400. Sad. People are desperate. We live in a hugely stressful society and we need to take better care of ourselves. We do that...and we can teach our children too. Anyway, here's the vid for today! Love, love, love to you!

Good Morning..let's talk addiction

hard lessons and hard times

I decided a while ago I was going to chronicle my journey through this particular time in my life. I have been journaling for a while and that has been a tremendous tool for me. I am going to figure out how to use the blasted video cam thing and upload it so I can talk this out and share my process. I welcme comments and I don't really know if anyone will ever see this...but here goes....talk to you soon.